A Declaration of Love

My heart is heavy today!  I'm here to jot down my feelings and then run away.  I feel like eating, but I'm not hungry.  :S

I have the most wonderful man!!  When we met, I thought he was extremely attractive, but felt that he would never "go" for me.  I pictured him with a very popular, active and attractive girl, something that I did not see in myself.  We became friends the summer between our Junior and Senior high school years.  I happened to be out of the country for those three months - so our long distance romance started on msn chat.

When I returned home (with an excellent tan I might add) we started casually dating.  We were still young and neither of our parents wanted us to date exclusively.  I had the best year of dating EVER!!  Matt would take me out one night and then arrange for a friend to take me out the next night so that he could take me out again the following week and our parents were appeased because it was not exclusive - although I made it no secret that he was my "Favorite Boy."

Three years later, when he asked me to marry him, I had two very big concerns which I voiced to him
1 - Would his mother (who I thought at the time to be incredibly controlling of him) have a greater voice than I in the marriage?
2 - Would he stand up and defend himself from me?  I wanted a man who knew he was worth defending and while I never wanted to injure this man that I love, I have some very controlling tendencies and didn't want to injure him.

The first concern has become non existent - both from Matt and I becoming more self assured and my sweet mother in law also being attentive to this tendency.  Thankfully we are all willing to speak about the hurts when they arise and it has made for a very pleasant  relationship between all of us.  I have a very good relationship with both my mother and father in law.  They are wonderful people and turned out the most wonderful man - so they must know what they are doing.  I love them dearly!

The second concern surfaced in the first month of our marriage.  I was attempting to help him see/do things my way.  He felt that he must comply out of respect, but after one months time, he snapped.  We had our first fight.  I remember feeling so relieved that he was finally voicing his opinion. Unfortunately, he spent the next 7 years in withdrawal, too afraid to come out from his barricade for fear of the wrath I may inflict on him.   I feel dark about this.  When he did come out, he would overcompensate by vehemently declaring his opinion and I didn't dare cross it even to benefit him.  I was grateful to see that I had married a strong man and heartbroken that he didn't have room for me in his heart.  As the children came, it became apparent that he didn't have room for them either - at least that's how it felt to me.  In reality, he was too afraid to be a participant for fear of falling short in my eyes.

I learned to be a single parent.  If I couldn't manage it on my own, I mostly didn't agree to it.  This didn't happen right away.  There were many times that I agreed to things where I desperately needed his support and we would always end up arguing and it hurt our marriage terribly.  That's when I learned not to agree, or to plan to hire a babysitter and do it at a time when it would not interfere with his plans.  This was also tricky because he would hardly tell me his schedule - this allowed him flexibility, and made it easy for him to stay uncommitted to my needs.  If he didn't know, he didn't have to agree or disagree.  This led us both to independent behavior.  I stopped taking care of his needs because I had so many needs to meet for the children and again, I felt I must do that alone and they were so young that someone had to meet their needs.  I felt the jealousy rise from Matt toward the children.  I stopped taking care of my needs also, probably because I felt guilty taking care of myself and not Matt and I rationalized that my time and energy were required by the children.

I am an excellent mother!!  And that feels like the only thing I am excellent in.  I have a great love for Matt and I hope that he will make room for me in his heart.  I have mellowed quite a bit in the last 7 years.  I often do make suggestions to improve our parenting. I feel that he is too sensitive to these corrections and blows them WAY out of proportion based on his past hurts.

I am trying to meet his needs.  I can see that he is trying to meet mine.  I think I need to overcome my pride and he needs to forgive me.  I don't feel angry.  I doubt he does either.  I feel deeply hurt by him.  By his withholding love and forgiveness from me.  By his unwillingness to give me a second, third, fifteenth chance.  I know I am not perfect.   I know he is not perfect.  But we loved each other once and we knew we weren't perfect then.

When we were engaged, I remember being so afraid that he wouldn't want to marry me when he knew that I had debt.  We were a long distance relationship then also.
why does it have to hurt so much?  Again - all I want to do is eat and I'm still not hungry.
What can i do instead of eat?  I am looking to escape - escape from the pain, from the responsibility of wife/motherhood.  I want to be single again also - just no responsibilities.  I am sitting in a white room with tiny black lines and I do feel imprisoned.  I've never felt that from marriage before.

I have always felt so honored to be Matt's wife.  And I have always felt badly that I did something so long ago that has caused him to hide himself from me.  I hope that he will forgive me someday.
They say that withholding forgiveness only hurts you - and I suppose that's true if the person you are withholding forgiveness from doesn't love and care about you.  But this really does hurt me deeply.
I wish he felt as lucky and honored to have me as I feel lucky and honored to have him.
I admire him deeply.  He is an excellent provider!  An excellent father!  And an excellent friend!
I love him with all my heart and though it hurts terribly, I will continue to put my heart out in the most vulnerable place to him, hoping that one day he will see me standing there, confident, beautiful, and gently inviting him to take refuge in my heart.  I hope soon he will see me and recognize and remember that I once was and still am the girl of his dreams and that he is the man of mine!!!

I love you Matt!!  Deeply!!  From my very core.  From every part of my heart,  I care for you, and about you - my love.  my love
please come back.  please darling.  please

maybe i really am abusive and this is just the cycle of abuse.  maybe he is better off without me.  I think not.  I am a good woman.  I have much value to provide.
The best thing I can do is Stand up - declare my worth and be a light standing with confidence and beauty; reflecting the light within my husband so that he remembers his worth as a Son of the Most High God and together we can glorify our Father in Heaven and be the beacons of light he sent us to earth to be.  

Let the doubt wash over me in waves, and fear not because I am anchored upon the rock of Christ from which foundation I cannot fall!

We can do this Matt!!  We can win!!  I will keep fighting for you!!!  WE ARE WORTH IT!!!

Life is Good! (Going Paleo)

Today as I sit at my computer and wonder what to write about, I look up to the sign posted above my kitchen sink that reads "life is good".  And I remember the last six months have been quite the journey for me.  

At the beginning of the year, I felt strongly guided to the Paleo diet (no grains, legumes, sugar or dairy). This was prompted by some health challenges that my 3and1/2 year old was dealing with.  I have known since his gestation period that this child is incredibly gifted and influential.  He possesses a confidence that I currently lack, a compassion that emulates Christ, and the optimism that makes the most dismal situations light and bearable. He is an incredible example to me.  I am not surprised by the dietary challenges that he has.  In fact, I imagine before we came to earth, he knew we would be his family, what our challenges would be, and I believe that he specifically selected these challenges, not because they would bless him in particular, but because they would bless me - his mother - and they would bless our entire family as we adopted the same dietary lifestyle that he enjoys (truly it is enjoyment because he is no longer crying in pain from food eaten the day before).  

The first 30 days of going cold turkey Paleo were the hardest.  I was motivated for the health of my son, yet I was still in the thick of depression.  Every single meal was a feat.  All of the recipes and ingredients were new.  My unadventurous 5 year old began losing weight because she didn't have any foods with which she was familiar.  My energy levels were depleted and I still had an infant who was completely dependent on me for nourishment.  The real kicker came when my 3 year old, my optimistic, complimentary, will eat-anything-I-put-in-front-of-him child came to me one day and said, "Mom, I don't want to eat any more squash."  I cried.  And I cried every day for a whole week.  I just didn't know what else to feed him.  

And then, our loving and merciful Father in Heaven arranged for my path to cross with a dear friend who had similar allergies as my boy.  When I arrived at her house, she had a whole meal spread out, complete with goodies for my little boy.  I cried again!!  And then she taught me.  She sent me home with a few ingredients to make my week easier, and told me what to buy from where.  She was truly heaven sent. 

With my newfound courage and my friend on speed dial,  I cleared my schedule for the following week in order to spend all day in the kitchen...failing as fast as I could.  I reasoned that the biggest problem I had was a lack of experience cooking appetizing meals with so many new ingredients.  I knew I needed at least one edible meal per day.  I  have always enjoyed making soup and was very comfortable with that, so I opted to make soup every day that week, while I tried other new recipes out of my comfort zone.  I needed to master some sort of bread especially for my 5 year old.  I came across a recipe book by Elena Amsterdam from elenaspantry.com, entitled Gluten Free Cupcakes.  I bought it and made cupcakes to go with the soup every day.  My 5 year old was happy.  My 3 year old was happy and I was happy!!  

As we have continued our Paleo journey, my cooking skills have improved.  I occasionally have to throw out dinner, (but only after we've eaten enough to get by for that evening.) I have found that Elena's "Classic Biscuit" from The Almond Flour Cookbook, or a homemade yogurt popcicle is perfect to top us off on these nights. My 5 year old who would only eat hotdogs and cheese quesidillas before going Paleo, will now eat oatmeal (the only grain we have kept), carrots, salad, boiled eggs, a variety of fruits, granola, assorted nuts, chicken in varied forms, and who is eating a small box of raisins as I type.  My 3 year old is beginning to have increased respiratory function (he was dealing with some exercise induced asthma triggered by certain foods).  His eyes are turning back from cloudy orange to his sparkly blue.  Emotionally, I am in a much healthier state.  When I eat clean, I feel better about myself.   I feel my brain healing.  I am a much nicer wife and mommy!  I LOVE THAT!!!    

I am filled with gratitude for my life experience.  It is good! And I am grateful!!